Pain is not easy, especially emotional pain. Unlike physical pain where we can take medication for it; emotional pain has no pain killer that can be bought. Its pain killer, I have come to learn, is not so much through our efforts rather in the power of God who grants us total and complete healing in this area.
It reminds me of one Saturday morning as I was preparing for work, I got all psyched up for the day only to start feeling low and moody after a sometime because of pain in my heart that I had not yet dealt with. You see; I was hurting on the inside, because I had not yet healed from the many instances of rejection in my life – one in a particular of a man I loved very much. I have experienced hurt in the past and healed, but rejection from people is one that doesn’t heal as fast. We may think that time has taken the pain away only to discover it is still there once someone wrongs us and all of it comes back again like a flood. Pain from rejection was eating me up on that day but I decided to ignore it and move on. In my heart; a song starts to play, ‘Ni akenaga riria tukugocha, mahindaini mothe, Mwathani arogocwo’. It says, ‘God is happy when we praise Him; at all times, God should be praised. I ignored the song because I didn’t understand why sing such a song while I hurting on the inside!
I struggled in my heart because I didn’t know how to deal with the pain and become happy again so, I shoved it aside- to move on with life. After work, ndio mimi huyo kuanza weekend! as I walked to the bus stop, I could hear music- loud music with good beats -those that just make you want to dance. I had to control myself, but it was not easy. I forgot reality – that I was outside walking on the street and I just wanted to dance, I didn’t care about the people who were in charge of the music or what they were promoting and selling, all I wanted to do was dance to the music and take the pain away – that which I had been trying to shove aside most of the day. What got me back on track was God- His love and care for me. He showed me that, what I was trying to do was wrong, that trying to take the pain away through loud beats and music would get me nowhere. This made me stop my dependency on the music, and I got back to normal. It’s not been easy to get to this point of obedience to God’s love for His healing, especially when I am hurting, but by His grace; I am somewhere.
I remember struggling with pain for a long time – since my childhood and to be honest, I didn’t know how to deal with it until I met God. I used to deal with hurt by taking care of myself through; food- eating a lot of junk so as to feel nice and happy, listening to loud music that would make me dance and forget pain, fantasying a lot so as not to deal with reality and I remember being withdrawn. I remember how all this did not help me until I turned to God, and He helped me for He loves us (John 3:16). He understands us and will never abandon us even when
the world does. Gradually, God has been dealing with my pains. He’s taken me through inner healing retreats where I have received love, healing and forgiveness. He has led me to books that have helped to change my mindset from negative to positive and through other people’s experiences; I have grown. He has led me to people who have talked, prayed and counselled me to who I am today. It’s a journey; I must say, but I feel lucky that God is my friend in this journey towards healing.
Addictions like those of mine; music, food and other bodily pleasures came about as a result of wanting to deal with pain. When we don’t know where to head for help i.e. the right kind of help we end up taking care of ourselves which eventually leads to addictions and with time they enslave us. I wanted out of addictions because I became a slave to them. There were times I could eat without a care in the world and finish all my pocket money while in high school because of ‘mandazi’ and crisps that would make me feel nice and forget the pain of failure in my exams! It reached a point; I couldn’t control my emotions so, I could dance and scream to just about any hype music without self-control just to make the pain go away which would obviously lead to embarrassment once my senses came back with questions like: ‘exactly why did you do that?’ But slowly by slowly I am coming out of these addictions through the help of God. Alleluia!
Pain is good and bad depending on how we treat it. If not taken care of properly it can lead to serious problems in future and some of these are; addiction problems, anger problems and withdrawal problems. What helped me on that day is that song which came back to my heart that I should praise God. I could feel Him say: “Praise me because I am God – your God, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, praise me because I was there when it happened; when you were rejected, forgotten, teased and humiliated, I was there, and I can take the pain away.” Alleluia!
When we exalt God, give Him the highest positions in our life through praise and thanksgiving, then He begins to gain power over us and is able to bring healing and breakthroughs into our lives. I felt the pain, but I made a choice to thank and glorify Him instead of complain because He is God and there is no one else above Him, and only He can heal and get me out of any mess. Slowly by slowly; His love, wisdom, peace and patience started trickling into my heart and gave me strength for that day. By the time I was meeting up with a friend; I was all joyful and peaceful in my heart that she couldn’t tell, prior to our meeting, I was in low moods. This is because the power of God was already in operation and it is was helping me to live that moment and that day.
The love and grace of God is what keeps us going and not addictions (Matthew 4:4). Not the food, excessive shopping, the alcohol, not the sex, the excessive sleeping or any other addiction it is actually the love and grace of God and if you want to know this is true, check out all the people who have addictions. You will notice that once the addiction has taken its toll on the body, for we can only take ‘so much,’ then the pain comes back again because of lack proper treatment. It is like having a tooth ache and you decide to take care of it by sleeping only to wake up with the same pain until you visit a dentist for proper treatment. Until we allow God to heal our pain(s), especially inner wounds, we risk being controlled by them and guess what they limit our happiness for they can control our peace to an extent that we cannot interact well with others, either because of being moody, harsh or fearful, but once God starts gaining control we become over comers and conquers over pain to a point where the devil can no longer use it against us.
So, next time hurt comes knocking at the door of your heart because of rejection, humiliation or any other thing, don’t waste time dealing with it in the worldly way or your way instead turn
to God in prayer, cry to Him the best you know, open a bible verse that will give you strength for tomorrow e.g. Hebrews 13:5, Psalms 27:10. Listen and make it a habit to listen to Godly music that will inspire you to become better e.g. Darlene Zschech- ‘In the name of Jesus’, Angela Chibalonza- ‘Toka Chini kwenda juu’. Talk to people who can help like; parents, counselors, spiritual directors, partners and with time you will discover that the right kind of Spirit/Power is in control of you, healing you and making you a better person. Thus, making us over comers and conquers over things that could have otherwise put us down.
Christ thy kingdom come….